I have entered into a phase of motherhood that I am truly unprepared for. The Teenage Years. There are days when I feel like I actually have a pulse on my children's lives and feelings, but the majority of days I feel like I am traveling a mysterious path of hormones, fights about not knowing anything about being in high school and thinking my children have been replaced by aliens. Some days I actually wish that the alien part was true, because it would explain so much. I feel very unnecessary right now. I feel like anyone can go to the grocery store and pretty much anyone can make better meals for my family than I can and chimps have cleaner homes than I do. I struggle to make any meaningful connection to my boys at this stage. At least as toddlers they were dependent on me for their survival and loved to snuggle and would, for the most part, love me unconditionally. Now, they have opinions and comments that differ from mine and are voiced loudly at times. I want them to develop into adults who are men of character, I just am not ready for that yet.
The past two years I have watched closely the Decorah Eagles as their eggs hatch and the Eagle Couple parent their young. Eaglets grow from hatchlings to being launched from the nest in a matter of months. It is amazing.
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| only a few days old |
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| Toddler Eagles |
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| Teenaged Eagle |
It won't be long before the three Eaglets will be sent out to the world and pushed out of the nest and it was only March 27th they hatched. I am pretty glad I have a bit longer to with my own offspring. I can't imagine having only a few months from birth to send off with children.
I can't say that I always dreamed of being a momma. I always wanted kids, but would not characterize myself as a mother to emulate. I do hope that my boys don't require years of therapy to work through my influence in their lives.
Back in 2009 Scott and I were convinced that God was moving our family to Kolkata, India to work with International Justice Mission. We had researched schools for our boys, discussed how it would take a God-sized miracle for us to be successful in this adventure. Scott would have been working directly with human trafficking of women sold into brothels. We thought it was a done deal. But it ended up that they chose someone else. Scott had kept IJM on the radar since they were established and considered it a dream opportunity to use his legal skills and education to make a real difference in the world.
I had just read "A Hole In Our Gospel" by Richard Sterns and had been moved by his telling of his "calling" to World Vision and how he had not pursued the job but that it was a God-thing and we had both read "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson. He tells a story about a fairly unknown character in the Old Testament named Beniah who doesn't run from a lion, but rather chases that lion into a pit knowing he might die if not for God saving him. It encourages us to chase our dreams especially if they are ones that without God we could not achieve. A series of events, visiting a different church only for ONE Sunday where the entire sermon highlighted IJM's work, independently feeling a real "call" on my heart and the interviews moving forward made me think God was going to use us in India. I would not have been surprised if the Heavens had opened up and God's voice spoke to us directly, it was that powerful a feeling. I have never felt that way about ANYTHING. We were just waiting for a call to make it official. That call came in December,2009, the night our family was volunteering at the Make a Wish Santa's Village at Jolly Holiday Lights. The 30 second phone call crushed our dream.
I was left asking questions. I felt even more inadequate. Not even God thought we could do the impossible. I didn't know why God took us on the 3 month journey only to close the door.
Earlier this year it seemed like our questions to that mystery might be answered. IJM was, again a possibility. This time it would mean moving to Kampala, Uganda. I felt reassured that the entire dead end of 2009 was to be fulfilled in 2012. Again, we agreed that God would have to give us the ability and support to survive this adventure. We had stopped dreaming of IJM. It was just not the outlet for us. We had been turned on to live as God's instruments after reading "Radical" by David Platt and not just waiting for opportunities, but making them. I had read "Kisses from Katie" about a young woman who had moved to Uganda (of all places) to work with orphans. It was like another "sign".
The interviews were just over the phone this time, no traveling to Washington DC to meet with administrators. We prayed fervently and enlisted others to pray with us as we thought it was, again nearly a done deal. The door closed, again. I was beginning to really be angry with God and ask WHY!!!! I am saying yes to something that I have absolutely no ability, but for him, and really had not pursued this time.
It was like now I felt rejected to be used by God again. I was very discouraged, again. I know in my heart that there is a reason for all of this and that some day it will all make sense. I know that every member of God's family has a different function and that my function may be to act as the pinky toe or seemingly unnecessary appendix, so I need to be active, but I am still searching for just what my part to play is.
I feel very isolated in my little neighborhood. I feel like even though I know I have friends, I have not been able to see them much and I feel discouraged about that. I have not been going to the gym, so I feel discouraged about that. I could go on, but aside from being cathartic and cheaper that a therapist, I don't want to document in private or for anyone to read,my failings which is why I have not posted for months. It is hard to be transparent. I read a blog from Mark Batterson, from this weekend and it was an excerpt from a graduation speech he gave. It was from "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day". It brought back all the feelings of adventure and fear and excitement from 2009.
LION CHASER’S MANIFESTO
I thoroughly enjoyed giving the commencement address for Southeastern University last week. At the end of my address I shared the Lion Chaser’s Manifesto from In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted it.
Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshiping what’s right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don’t try to be who you’re not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. Take a flying leap of faith. Chase the lion!
I want to be available, willing and necessary. It is just hard to know what that means for me.
I will keep trying to be a good mom. I will try to do laundry, drive to activities and even clean the house. It just may not all be completed at the same time. That is just the kind of life I lead. Just about awesome, but not quite.
